D is for Divorce and F is for Forgiveness

Things have been rough at home. I mentioned it a bit here. And I also said I wouldn’t write about it. But I decided that I would. Because this blog is about life. And this is my life right now.

D is for Divorce

About six weeks ago, I told Eric that I want a divorce. We came up with a plan, and walked around each other like ghosts.

We both started our grieving process, and bounced around from grief to anger to acceptance.

Well I got to acceptance, Eric didn’t.

Before I left for my trip to Ohio last week, Eric told me he wanted to talk to me.

As I was packing he put Lorelai down for a nap and walked by the bedroom door.

“You said you wanted to talk.” I called out the door, as he took the first step downstairs.

“Oh, it can wait until you’re done packing.” He said, peaking his head over the threshold.

“I have less than an hour, I’m packing, and then calling a Lyft.”

“Ok,” he came into the room shyly, laughing nervously. He looked at me, the way he often does and said, “I want another chance.”

D is for Divorce and F is for Forgiveness

In the Beginning

Eric and I met in college. He was 20 and I was 23. We started dating after I turned 24, and I threw a party for him when he turned 21. We broke up after our first month together, and the rest of our 13 years together have been a delicate dance between happy and sad, passion and anger, loneliness and joy.

I’ll admit that when he asked for another chance, I knew I wasn’t going to give it to him. I had already given him another chance. And another after that. Then another still. There were no chances left to give. I told him I’d think about it on my trip, and I’d let him know.

D is for Divorce and F is for Forgiveness

In Ohio

I was away for three days. The first day was when we had the conversation above, the second was a full day in Ohio, and I told Eric the answer was no. I couldn’t give him another chance. It was over. I had tried, so hard. I did my best. And he should have given it his all when I gave him his other chances.

When I woke up the next day and headed in to work, for my second full work day in Ohio, I thought about my decision. I thought about how unfair it was that Eric expected another chance just because he was ready to change. And why wasn’t he ready when I wanted him to be?

D is for Divorce and F is for Forgiveness

And then it hit me. You can’t force anyone to do anything. You can’t force someone to quit smoking, to lose weight, or to change their bad habits. The only way someone can change, is by making the decision to do it themselves. I’ve learned this from my own weight loss decision, and quitting smoking, and all the other bad habits I’ve had to quit. I could only do it when I was ready to do it.

When I say it hit me, I mean it hit me. Like a ton of bricks. And I told Eric that we’d give it another shot. But this would be the last shot.

D is for Divorce and F is for Forgiveness

F is for Forgiveness

I have a lot to work on, and he does too. We talked about a plan for him, a plan for me, and a plan for us. We also started setting some ground rules. I’m not naive enough to think that everything will chance over night, and honestly I’m not 100% convinced that this change will last.

But I knew I had to give Eric the chance, now that he’s ready to take it. He deserves that. And our family deserves that.

It’s been four days so far, and it feels different. In a good way. But the real test will be how it feels in four months, four years, forty years. Time will tell.

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Comments

  1. Reply

    Friend, I am sorry you are going through this. My first marriage ended very similarly to what you are going through. He asked to work it out after years of it not working and fourth, fifth, endless chances. I just couldn’t do it any longer. He was ready to put in the work when I was just done.
    I don’t regret that decision. I did in the beginning when Anna was small BECAUSE she was small and thought I needed us to be a nuclear family but looking back, it was the best decision I ever made. I see couples who aren’t happy but are hiding it behind fake smiles, money, and the guise of the “perfect” family and I think I am so glad I made the decision I did.

    For you and Eric, I will pray for peace and clarity. I will pray that you feel like it was the best decision you both ever made whatever the outcome is.
    Sending you so much love, because I know exactly where you are.

    1. Reply

      Thank you Kari! I wrote this with the idea that I was going to write a follow up that things didn’t work out. I felt like I had to write this one first. But then I started to see change. Eric is putting in the work, because he knows that this is the last shot. And I am happy to see it. I didn’t think it was going to happen. Will it be sustainable? Only time will tell.

      You are right that the decision needs to be the right one, and I knew I had to give him a shot, HIS shot, before that decision became final.

  2. Reply

    ANI! I’m sorry to hear. Sending all the good air hugs and peace. I hope things work out (if that’s what can be done) and if that’s the case, I hope you both give it your all.
    Tricia Murdock recently posted…Ideally Planned: Year, Quarter, Month Week & Day – How To Create Your Own ‘Ideal’My Profile

    1. Reply

      Thank you Tricia! And I will take all the air hugs and peace you can send! For now we are both giving it our all, because now the possibility of it ending is as real as it can be. I know we deserve to give it our best shot. And I hope we can sustain it. It felt good to get it out, and it feels even better to revisit this post and be able to say that things have gotten better!

      1. Reply

        I’m so glad that it’s gotten better. I truly wish you the best in either scenario.
        Tricia Murdock recently posted…Random Holidays Challenge – Find Reasons to Add Joy to Your LifeMy Profile

        1. Reply

          Thank you Tricia, that means the world to me!

  3. Reply

    So very sorry that this is your situation. It must be so challenging. So hard to know what the right choice is. I hope it all works out for you, and that you choose happiness – whatever that may be. Good luck!

    1. Reply

      Thank you Ernie! Things have been going really well since I wrote this post, and even though was only three weeks ago, I’m hopeful. And believe me, I admittedly was not as hopeful before!

  4. Reply

    Its great you are sharing this so that we can learn too. All the best going forward.
    safaritravelplus recently posted…Kenya Visa Requirements & CostMy Profile

    1. Reply

      Thank you! It was hard to share, but I’m glad I did. I feel like I have to get everything out in the open both inside my house and out, in order to really work through it and own it. I have spent so much of my life pretending that everything is ok, when it’s really not. And honestly that way of life did not serve me well!

  5. Reply

    You’re so smart and also intelligent, buddy. I am so happy to hear that you couple still living together. I don’t appreciate any unfortunate decision that makes life unhappy forever. I think that your partner is a good person and care about you because of why he took another chance. And thank you for getting another chance to him. I wish you couple never separate one to another.
    Bratton Law recently posted…How is Spousal Support Determined in California?My Profile

    1. Reply

      Thank you! And thank you for the supportive words.

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